Yes, I know. A word you use every day. “How are the paraprosdokians doing, Mrs Jones?” (At school, on the stock market, in the election, etc)

Just to remind you, they are actually figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. They’re all attributed to well known people, from Groucho Marx to Eleanor Roosevelt

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you…. but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up…. we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify….” I answered, “a doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, *but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.*
18. If you’ve nothing good to say about anyone … come and sit down next to me.

I’d love to hear of any others you like

I’ve got a suggestion for something to watch on tv. Rake. It’s an Australian comedy drama with just about everything the BBC USED TO BE GOOD AT, but no longer is. Their addiction to liberal elite values and political correctness have really killed off stuff like this. Shame, because Rake is brimming over with humour, drama and social comment. There’s not a bad performance in it and the director is so brilliant he’s nowhere to be seen! Bingeworthy telly, 40 episodes over 5 series and it never runs out of steam.

Stay safe



Douglas Watkinson is an English novelist, playwright and screenwriter.

1 Comment

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